This month will bring you a great surprise! You are going to try a new waxing salon and have a successful Brazilian. She only burns your upper lip from your mustache, BUT, on a positive note, you can only stay away salsa for a couple of days.
Just in time for CINCO DE MAYO! That guy you've been talking to on Bumble is actually your cousin, but at least he was a good kisser on the first date. Luckily after everything, you find out the real reason Aunt Jane got that short haircut and why Auntie Allyson has been coming to holiday dinners for the last 2 years. 1 word. 3 syllables. AP-PLE. PIE. Auntie Allyson makes the best apple pie...oh and I'm pretty sure they're lesbians, but the verdict's still out Your going to find a new show on Netflix and get to the 3rd episode before returning to The Office for the 5th time. The good thing is you re-watch an episode you forgot about and it feels like the 2nd time you watched it. The moon and Jupiter junction means you are going to actually go to the gym this month, but only to sit in the sauna- fully clothed. The job your hoping to get will happen and it's going to be great! Get your Maxxinista on by buying some new work clothes and that leather clutch EEEEEEAAAAAWWWWWWW*insert Cardi B voice* Since the weather has finally broke, get out and go for a walk instead of the train this month. Aside from burning carbs you can avoid that homeless guy on the B train that gives you dirty looks every time you offer him food instead of money. Oh, and don't keep using that "IT'S GONNA BE MAY" Justin Timberlake joke; it's played and you always use is wrong. Happy May!
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I woke up this morning and took a minute to look out the window and reflect on my busy day
its overcast and Griffin (my dog) is sleeping on the couch he normally wakes me up, but I assume he is being lazy due to the weather I get up and take the Griffin out for a walk Once I get outside I recognize it’s raining harder than expected but it’s okay... Why not take the opportunity to walk in the rain? I play my Spotify and smile I reflect on my days, my transition to the city and how I am surviving the place people suggested could “make or break” me. I get back home and get ready for work Spotify’s playing my Tribe Called Quest radio I always feel the Brooklyn vibes with Tribe I get dressed and leave out for work after reiterating to Griffin I’ll be home soon. The train is late yet again due to construction on the R line Not bothered, I slowly dose off from the aggressive rocking of the train ”This is West 4th Street” I open my eyes and exit the train to transfer I get to the platform and my next train is coming down the track Thank God it’s on time Tribe still bumpin, I enter my new train and patiently wait for the additional passengers to enter. 2 stops later, I’m in Chelsea. I catch the cross walk on a busy street and reminisce over previous conversations that made me laugh earlier that week I smile. The rest of my day includes helping repubably shitty people in a carefree working environment You would think what they say about all New Yorkers is true, but today I am welcomed with smiles and manners It’s refreshing. The hour hits 4 o’clock and it’s time for a break I go to my locker and grab my phone and debit card for a coffee. I’m also thinking McDonald’s French fries since it’s been a while and I’m craving something greasy I grab my phone and notice a text from an unsaved number “Hey. Been a little while. Today is a little unique given the circumstances. Just wanted to check in on you and see how you were?” I look at the date and then remember 4 years ago today I was getting married. Like... Cake, dress, flowers. Married. And I... I...completely forgot. This time last year was hard. But to completely forget? I smiled. 4 years ago this day was a celebration 1 year ago this day was a devastation and this year it was mark yet another celebration ...the day I forgot. I was on the train yesterday and saw a women wearing a t shirt that said “but first, champagne.” Her outfit included a messy bun, (never used for working out) leggings and sneakers. By her attire I assumed she had many of these t shirts and also “live, laugh, love” somewhere in her apartment. Let’s be honest though, are you really ready for champagne?
Are those leggings ready for champagne? No. I don’t know if it’s the popularity of Kohl's cash or the cost point of 5 Below, but when did our society green light opinions on shirts? The dad shirt, the fad shirt, the “I’m grumpy til my coffee” shirt, the “but first champagne” shirt? I wonder too, are these shirts next to the cargo shorts and Navajo sandal (specifically with the Velcro) section at Costco? They seem to pair perfectly together. Men, are you dicks that big you can’t close your legs?
No. Realistically, you have mother bearing hips and are too selfish to think about anyone else on the train. Stop the madness of man spreading, NOW! As Nene Leakes said via Atlanta housewives circa 2000 something “close your legs to married men” Just close your legs. It’s rude. Cottage cheese cellulite.
Pancake batter legs. Crater face and ass. What ever happened to real ass, titties and lips? I am so tired of seeing the same women on Instagram. They all follow the same checklist: 1. Titties-check 2. ASS- always, ASS.-check 3. Beat Face-check 4. Never used track suit from Fashionova- check check 5. Over Injected lips-check check 6. Musical.ly app- check 7. Lil Uzi or Lil Pump song to lip sync to- check check These women look like dolls. Their skin looks fake and their bodies are unrealistic. If I put on one of those highly promoted instragram waist trainers my head or my ass would explode! I swear. Oh and don’t we just love the “no makeup” selfies with a caption like #flawsandall or #naturalbeauty If I woke up and took a “no make up” selfie someone would comment “damn, who won? How do they look?” My “no make” selfie would end up being your morning motivation to never let your self get this bad. I kid, but still. If only Instagram and social media would show a beat face, snap chat filters as a sexy giraffe AND the holes in your period panties. Be a doll, live that life, but once in a while also show us your bank account or the tag tucked away in your rent the runway Chanel purse. Just saying. It’s all about balance. This month is going to be lame.
You are going to spend too much fucking money on take out delivery and make faces every time you sign the receipt and the option to tip; conflicted you are going to justify only giving 10%. In your defense the delivery guy was hella rude. The moon is in retrograde and I don't know what that really means, BUT you are going to fall in love with the gay guy at work AND he is so flamboyant everyone in the office looks at you crazy. Mars and Venus cross paths which means no dick, but luckily you are at a point where it's okay and your new anthem is how men are such a distraction; who wants to have to shave anyways? There is a third moon in your chart so your period is going to start late because of the moon and waves and shit- I think it's all intertwined. Either way! Go to Homegoods and buy that seashell wall mount already before its gone! Happy April! -Your taxes.
-Take me out, using tax refund money. -Wash your bed sheets. -Stop telling people you didn't pay your phone bill; we are ALL judging you. -Actually buy the items in your online cart. -Stop agreeing to "catch up" and "getting together" with acquaintances knowing damn well that shit isn't going to happen. -Delete all your screenshots, they will eventually backfire. -Reclaim the word "Queef". -Stop using the word "bully" -Kegels. -Smile; for yourself. oh and... Keep reading "Girl, Tell Me About it." Ladies and Gentlemen, the Fuckboy is an epidemic that is sweeping through the 21st century.
He can be found wearing Supreme hats with the matching belt He loves attention; especially from anyone Texts include unasked for dick pics, "You up?" or "I'm thinking about you" after 3 days of going MIA Some are decorated with chin straps, earrings or, just a simple smile. But. Let’s look at some of the benefits of the Fuckboy: a. He never meets your parents b. You never have to go through the “farting in front of each other” phase c. He’s gone with a swipe d. For those who don't have an unlimited texting package, you save money when he dead's you for the 5th time; at least $5.00 e. You never have to explain why he still wears fake diamond cross chains in 2018 and ladies that's just the tip (pun intended) For all the fuck boys of my past and future, it’s been quite an honor to deal with knowing you only want the following: a. To Bump uglies b. Play "Scratch the Cat" c. Netflix and Chili d. Nappy dugout e. Play "Hide the Eggplant" f. Do the four-legged foxtrot g. Aggressively snuggle h. Bake the Potato or most importantly... i. WASTE MY FUCKING TIME On the bright side, Fuckboys are just temporary boyfriends who will never become a liability; like hemorrhoids. Just be sure to not fall in love and most importantly never get pregnant. I repeat ladies: NEVER GET PREGNANT! Bumble anyone?
“I really like it.” Said a friend from work ”You get to make the first move” hmmm I ponder. why not? My curiosity peaks and I download 2 hours into the app... I am confronted with multiple “successful” men Lots of Davids, Chads And entrepreneur’s named Ambitious I ponder. Bumble should be renamed to “Yes! All White Men DO Look Alike” or... “Guess His Sexuality” 3 hours into the app... I find the man of my daydreams What do I say? Should I be flirty? I end up picking the perfect dick pic and seal it with the message ”How’s your night going sweetie?” I wait. He has yet to respond. 8 hours into the app... Bumble and I call it quits and just like that My future app husband still awaits. |
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