Ladies and Gentlemen, the Fuckboy is an epidemic that is sweeping through the 21st century.
He can be found wearing Supreme hats with the matching belt He loves attention; especially from anyone Texts include unasked for dick pics, "You up?" or "I'm thinking about you" after 3 days of going MIA Some are decorated with chin straps, earrings or, just a simple smile. But. Let’s look at some of the benefits of the Fuckboy: a. He never meets your parents b. You never have to go through the “farting in front of each other” phase c. He’s gone with a swipe d. For those who don't have an unlimited texting package, you save money when he dead's you for the 5th time; at least $5.00 e. You never have to explain why he still wears fake diamond cross chains in 2018 and ladies that's just the tip (pun intended) For all the fuck boys of my past and future, it’s been quite an honor to deal with knowing you only want the following: a. To Bump uglies b. Play "Scratch the Cat" c. Netflix and Chili d. Nappy dugout e. Play "Hide the Eggplant" f. Do the four-legged foxtrot g. Aggressively snuggle h. Bake the Potato or most importantly... i. WASTE MY FUCKING TIME On the bright side, Fuckboys are just temporary boyfriends who will never become a liability; like hemorrhoids. Just be sure to not fall in love and most importantly never get pregnant. I repeat ladies: NEVER GET PREGNANT!
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Bumble anyone?
“I really like it.” Said a friend from work ”You get to make the first move” hmmm I ponder. why not? My curiosity peaks and I download 2 hours into the app... I am confronted with multiple “successful” men Lots of Davids, Chads And entrepreneur’s named Ambitious I ponder. Bumble should be renamed to “Yes! All White Men DO Look Alike” or... “Guess His Sexuality” 3 hours into the app... I find the man of my daydreams What do I say? Should I be flirty? I end up picking the perfect dick pic and seal it with the message ”How’s your night going sweetie?” I wait. He has yet to respond. 8 hours into the app... Bumble and I call it quits and just like that My future app husband still awaits. Bitch really tried it.
Mental health is quite slick One second you want to make me feel like I’m the queen of my thrown and then throw me down to the pits of hell questioning my sanity! Such a love/ hate relationship Do you not have anything better to do than torture me? Make me question myself? Compare myself? Create standards based off others? then have the nerve pick me back up like, “wooo that was fun! What’s next?” If mental health was a person: -it’d say shit like “I don’t want to intrude... BUT” and still intrudes -it’d give you unwarranted advice and get offended when you politely decline to listen -it’d have terrible breath (I’m petty) And... -it’d bring up past shit like it happened yesterday and sometimes never let you forget. Mental health can be a curse and a blessing, but we all are struggling to maintain it. You are exactly where you need to be and like everything- this is only temporary. Forgive yourself. White women with HUGE injected lips
Paying for waxes; paying extra for being hairy Seeing make up tutorials of the same look over and over again Day light savings Washing dishes Spotify making me watch those damn advertisements for 30 mins of commercial free music Being excited for Beyonce and Jay-Z's "On The Run 2" and then seeing the price of a ticket Applying for jobs and continually clicking "NO, I DON'T HAVE A DISABILITY" The name "Stormi" and anything Kardashian related Happy Monday! I told someone the other day to never trust anyone that has a name that ends in "i"
He reminded me my name is "Nikki" He also told me his mom's name is "Tami" and THAT, ladies and gentleman, is how you excel in dating. Give it up for the Ladies!
Happy International Women's Day! I woke up this morning and asked Griffin, "Where's my present?" In typical Griffin nature he gave me a side eye and blank stared at me, but it got me thinking... Below are some items you can gift to women in honor of today's holiday: -A new Diva Cup -Anything with pockets; we love pockets -Make an actual brunch reservation; we talk about doing brunch, but does it ever happen? -Knitted hats with a poof at the top -Unlimited Fuzzy socks -Durable leggings; preferably 7 for everyday of the week, we still wear the same pair -Pants; we love pants, makes us feel like a REAL man -The ending of sexual harassment; I don't to get ahead of myself, but *fingers crossed -Bath Bombs!!!! -Equal Pay? I repeat, I don't want to get ahead of myself -Bic for Her Pens and finally... -Making a decision on where we are going to eat! Happy International Women's Day! Women are the shit; We already know this. #yassssssqweeeennnn I like to mix it up when I'm pooping and read the back of my shampoo bottles.
What can I say? I'm a purist. I am actively trying not to curse.
I’ve been told “you curse a lot” and normally I respond “fuck off” I don’t think the people recognize though, if I’m NOT cursing my responses will be more curtailed to the person I’m speaking to. ”you curse a lot” ”and well... you have a hidden lazy eye” but then... I’m in the wrong. Question: Give me a better word to replace “fuck”? I personally feel uncomfortable when people use the word bottom vs. ass You ever hear someone over the age of 21 say “look at that bottom?” Or “I fell on my bottom.” I only know the word “bottom” when having fluid conversation about sex. People who make a mention of how often you curse also say “I’m eating” when you talk about poop over brunch or “I haven’t had my coffee yet” when you wake up and want to talk shit about last night and quite frankly... who needs that type of negativity? NOT THIS BITCH! After my divorce.
I've been asked multiple times, "Is that dog the only male you will ever have in you life?" I used to take it personal and internally respond with a "fuck you" side eye. But... This male has been with me through it all. I mean, he doesn't pay rent, he's can't clean up after himself and is completely helpless But... He was there . and while there is no action in the bedroom.... gross. The next time someone asks me "What are you looking for in a man?" I'll simply respond "Purebred" |
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